I’m not some kind of hypocrite, bound and determined to slash and claw my way through everything that marginally pisses me off. But, seriously. A 1001 item long survey about how many cats you have and what your favorite ice cream flavors would be if you weren’t lactose intolerant is not a blog. It’s a myspace page. So, when I search for something in blog postings, I don’t want to peel away nine out of ten meaningless Myspace blog entries from 16 year olds in Orchard Valley, California who just feel so icky today and like totally don’t know if they can go on because of all the drama. It’s a worldwide forum, you can’t stop them. But, it’d sure as hell be nice to mute them, filter them out, or set them aside in their own little pen with a water bottle and exercise wheel.

We all need that extra kick in the ass every now and then. Check out the rhetorical skills at Despair.com. And for something catered a little more to the writers among us, 101 Reasons has a couple of writing related ones. Check out December’s too.

Super mass media…it kind of reset the status quo in terms of how everyone does anything this last couple three years. I think Time is trying a bit too hard in saying ‘06 was the year of the individual, but you’ve gotta admit, those Ok Go videos on YouTube were awesome. And anything that makes Bill O’Reilly and Neil Cavuto just that much less relevant puts a smile on my face. But some things were a little better than others in terms of pushing the world that much closer toward individuals taking control. Encyclopedia Brittanica’s sales are in the crapper, and my Wikipedia additions are nearing a hundred plus. And more power for the people means less power for the man. After the first half of the year (and five years before that) of a certain shoulder sloughing hick squeezing freedoms and rights from our ragged bodies like the last of the barbecue sauce for his slab of pork, even politics are starting to look up.

So, the best of 06? Well, I’d definitely say June was the best month of 06. My birthday highlights just about every year. The rest? Democrats won congress, Heroes is a pretty good show…I found $10 under my bed. Yeah, 2006 was a pretty shit year for the world. But, that’s why we all get excited around the end of the year. It’s not just the jell-o shots and champagne buzz we all get ready for. It’s the prospect that the next run through the calendar will be a little better. Worsts? Three words: Iraq, Playstation 3, Cell (Stephen King just keeps writing)

Perusing my favorite blogs today, one of which has to be 101 Reasons to Stop Writing and I saw a familiar phrase, one seen far too little in this shiny, neon glowing world of getting rich quick and finding the leprechaun before he even puts out his pot of gold.

Everyone has a scheme that will not work. Now, I of course respond with what any sane, level headed, halfway salient human being would - a resounding duh. Just look at the internet, at the media, at the government (*cough* a certain desert ground war by a certain daddy’s boy president *cough*). Everyone has a “brilliant” idea that will make the world go round and make them millions of dollars in 30 days. Shit, even the idea of having a scheme has become a scheme. Though I’ll bet Tanner McDermitt on channel 14 at two in the morning is probably making more on his scheme than you are.

Howe’s got it right, and even though 101 Reasons is talking about the publishing industry and the inane stupidity of applying Web 2.0 to anything practical, especially the publishing industry, it’s still good for me and you. I’ve got more than one scheme too. You don’t even know how many hair brained, half finished, bile inducing rage splattered schemes I have brewing behind these closed doors. To be truthful, I don’t either. They just kind of pop up.

Of course, being unemployed isn’t really a scheme. It’s a lifestyle. And if your lifestyle is a scheme…well then you’d better pack your things and give your mom a call before dinner. Just one quick question; pot pie or split pea soup?

I’ll have the rolls.

If you’re a writer, you’d better be a reader. They go hand in hand, no matter how you feel about it. You can’t put together halfway decent prose without a little bit of backlog in the old gray matter to pull from. And the ability to pick and choose your bits from what you’ve read to work is helpful.

This doesn’t of course mean only novels or sad poetry from suicidal Englishmen and women. Magazines, newspapers, blogs (wink, wink), even comic books are great. Reading is a task in and of itself. It molds the brain and makes you think.

Trying to find ways to make money through your writing means one thing. You’ll be reading much more than you’ll be writing. You should be. If you’re not, you’re not doing it right.

So what do you read? Like I said before, anything. However, if you’re reading this, you’re probably already reading a little bit of everything, so go read a good novel.

What? You’re still here? Oh yeah, a bit of advice. That’s what you’re looking for, eh? Alright. Ladies and Gentlemen, the greatest book ever written to make you feel as incredibly inadequate as a writer as is humanly possible: The Master and Margarita

The Master and Margarita is one of my favorite Russian novels ever written. The author is Mikhail Bulgakov, an unfortunate by product of the newly formed Stalinist Regime. You can read about him at Wikipedia if you’re really interested. The important part is his masterwork, this here novel. Basically it’s a political satire wrapped in a religiously heretical shell, wrapped in social comedy. Genius right? He retells the gospel of Christ’s death through the “novel” of his main character, or as some readers see, through Satan. Basically it’s amazing, and the important part; your brain starts churning. Slowly at first…hopefully quicker later on. Buy it. Borrow it. Find it somewhere. And then read it.

It’s always hard to be unemployed. Or in my case (and don’t forget the careful wording) gainfully unemployed with motive for self employment. When you cut out a solid 10 hours a day for as many days a week as I was working, you can’t just spend all the extra time staring at the computer screen. Ebay takes you until you’re out of stuff. Email’s all fine and good until you’ve written every junior high band buddy you had. The web is not quite 2.0 and so it can be a little mind numbing if you let it. Besides, eyes glued to LCD or Cathode all day is more than likely an unsafe hobby. Not on par with cliff climbing, but it makes your eyes scratchy.

I have a few hobbies mind you, but that’s all they ever were casual hobbies. I spent my free time online writing and reading. I didn’t have a lot of free time, so there were no problems. Now, the free time is so abundant that I am forced to find alternate means of self entertainment. This isn’t just about me though. Here are some ideas to keep the mind fresh and the body awake while you’re sifting through craigslist ads and spitting out keyword articles about the newest dog training whistle. Acme makes a smooth, comfortable whistle by the way, perfect for even the most ornery of young dogs….

Anyways, keeping busy:

1. Exercise
I know, I know. Exercise? But yeah. Here’s something you’ll probably not realize when transitioning from getting up and moving around to sitting all day. You get fat. Generally, sitting in a chair all day with a bag of cheetohs and a mountain dew at your side will vacuum pack a few extra pounds of cellulose into your ass. The answer is simple. Exercise. I don’t go to a gym or anything. Just a few minutes of basics in the morning, lift a few weights and then a jog or a bike ride. Shouldn’t take more than a half hour to forty five minutes. Same amount of time it’ll start taking you to get out of bed if you sit and stare at a computer screen all day long.

2. Mindless Fun
If you’re some kind of stuck up, self important, pompous ass who thinks all pursuits should be intellectual by nature, then go screw yourself. You’re the man. When you spend all day thinking and creating, you need something to vegg out to. It’s normal. It’s healthy, and most importantly it’s relaxing. And if you can’t relax a little while unemployed…go get a freaking job. Find a video game you like. Build scale models. Watch Kung Fu movie. Collect baseball cards. Comic Books, eh? Anyways, you get the idea. Personally, I have a guitar and a Playstation 2. Either of which is more than ample to whittle away a couple of hours blissfully ignorant.

3. Don’t Overdo It.
You’re broke. check. You’re unemployed. check. You’re a recluse who ignores their friends…don’t check this one. You may be broke, but don’t lock yourself away to keep from spending that which you don’t have. Just try and keep it cheap. Ask people to find things that make financial sense. Watch a movie someone already owns. Make dinner rather than going out. Play basketball at the community center. Go for a walk downtown. But don’t get reclusive

I just recently made the switch to Word Press and my own server space, and lo and behold the failure of my feed to even appear. Now I get a 404 error and a shrug from my browser, unable to read it. I’d ask for help, but no one is reading this if the feed is dead.

This won’t make you money. Yes, yes. I know. I’m sad about it too. It will however help you down the road to making you money…or at least I hope that’s what it’s doing for me. It’s posted under my alter ego (and vaguely familiar site) Norway Writes.
There are so many ‘keys’ to be a good writer, that generally none of them are key. Because the word key insinuates some tempestuous journey with a lock at the other end for which you will require said key item. There isn’t any such lock.

You will not find at the end of your rainbow a pot of gold. It’ll be a half of a single piece of gold and the beginnings of a thousand more rainbows. There is no key to good writing. It’s in the feel, in the talent, in the observation, and most of all in the practice. You just have to keep writing, all the time, about everything.
And I, like millions of others have only thing to tell you: Journal. Do it often, and do it everywhere. Make it an integral part of your day. Put it on par with showering and breakfast, lunch breaks and sleeping. Just write. This is very important though and don’t forget: it’s only for you. The sole purpose of journaling is to write, a private record of your thoughts for any given day. I’m not going to tell you how it should look, or how you should write it, what you should write about or any of that.

I’ll share my basic routines with you. I have two moleskin journals that I keep on me at all times, usually one in my back pocket, and the other in my coat pocket. The first is a sort of diaryesque journal. It’s the day’s events, thoughts and rants. Mostly rants. I date it and write whatever comes to mind during the day that has to do with the day. It vents my frustrations, elaborates my laudations and catalogs my endeavors. The second notebook is a less organized one. It’s written in whenever, and contains all of my thoughts pertaining to random observations, a story I’m working on, any poetry I feel like writing on a bus somewhere, and so on. It’s covered in drawings, random lines, fragmented sentences and broken grammar. Whereas my first one reads like a finely tuned letter to myself, a time capsule of sorts for some future date to be decided, the second is a reflection of my brain, of everything going on inside creatively. It’s a chance to let loose and write away.

It’s a good habit if nothing else. Gets you used to writing asinine amounts of stuff every day. And from the looks of it, if there’s any way to make money writing, it’s by writing asinine amounts of stuff every day.

College was an interesting time for me. Not forgoing the obvious forays into the worlds of house parties and all night cram sessions, it marked a sharp uptake in the amount of “stuff” I owned. For some reason, throughout all of the extra papers, exams, mentally unbalanced coeds, and coffee addictions, I managed to have extra money laying around, and very little if anywhere to put that money. And so it became things - things that I had very little time to use, and subsequently have sat stagnant on my shelves for years now. Some of these things are pretty cool, but most of them are useless, and expensive.

As an unemployed writer now, I’ve come to the conclusion that owning an infinite library of rarely watched films and unread books does me little to no good. And, I’m broke. Mostly the broke part.

This is more than me whining over spilled milk though. It’s about how to most effectively get rid of this extra stuff. Ebay is key. You all know that I’m sure, but seriously, I have to really emphasize the importance of the Big E. It’s a great, and incredibly easy way to make some quick cash, but also to liquidate almost everything you own.

Listing
Maximizing cashflow is generally not the idea, but it’s a nice side effect of the process at times. Turbo Lister 2 is a great tool though, because if you’ve ever sold anything on ebay you know just how long it can take to put up 100 different items. It’s quick, it’s easy, and it’s fairly well organized.

Guaranteed Returns
Having a high rating helps. Mine’s around 200 to start with 100% feedback, so I’ll get more bids just because I’m trustworthy. Also, keep your shipping low and easy. If it’s an item with a possibly high differential in end price (low demand and low supply usually) offer free shipping to entice more bids. Also make sure to set it up so your auctions end at a good time. You want maximum viewership in the last hour. So, a weekend afternoon is usually pretty good, or after dinner on a weeknight.

The Big Picture
You lose some money. It just happens. Ebay takes a cut, Paypal takes a cut, Ebay takes another cut, the post office takes a cut. Don’t hike up the postage to make up for it all, because it can really lower your end prices more than you gain, but also keep it fair for you. Just make sure to keep some of the money you make aside to pay for postage. I like my Paypal debit card for just that reason.

In a week or so, I should be a few empty shelves richer and a without a lot of very unneeded distractions. Libraries are wonderful, video stores glorious. Don’t buy everything you see. It dries you out.

First off, it’s not my goal to not have a job. It just kind of worked out like that. So, right there, shut it up. Like many unfortunate graduates in my age bracket, I’ve found the job market less than desirable and therefore have shied away from the dreck at the bottom of its barrel.

At this very time (meaning about 11 hours from now) I’ll be going to work at my college part time job. Which magically evolved into a full time job shortly after graduation and has stayed as thus for the duration. I hate it.

Why start on the 1st though? A touch melodramatic, and more than a touch cliche. Yeah, I’ll admit it, and generally I don’t have a damn thing to say about it other than the obvious…so what. It’s a good round way to go though. There’s none of that backpedaling across months and years. At any given point in 2007 I can say to myself; Self (and you are looking mighty fine today, self). Self, this is what you’ve accomplished since you started, in 2007. So, it’s not just some mental trick, it’s semantics, and good book keeping.

And so it is that on January 1st (technically December 31st, but I plan on spending the 31st celebrating the abundance and wonder of the New Year…via moderate intoxication) I’ll start this whole bout of shenanigans. Shenanigans you ask? Why, yes. I hope to invoke a veritable array of shenanigans. Truthfully, I just want to see how many times I can say shenanigans before you roll your eyes and click back.